3 posts tagged “depression”

So I saw my counsellor for the last time this morning. I've been visiting for regular sessions since last December and it was weird today to try and think what sort of state I was in back then.

Over the past few months Friday mornings have often been taken up with an hour's worth of talking about myself. It sounds bliss, but actually, unless you're a complete narcissist, it can be quite difficult.

Becoming more self-aware is never a bad thing and I've never been shy of doing a bit of navel-gazing, but I think I've realised more about what makes me tick over the past 6 months than in the previous 6 years (or even more).

Admittedly, it helps if you like your counsellor and Carolyn is a very sympathetic and empathetic person, as you'd expect her to be, although believe me I went to a psychotherapist once that was a total disaster, so it's not as obvious as it sounds.

Anyway, my navel-gazing is starting to pay off and I am "in a better place" now that where I was six months ago and, as far as I can tell, the only way is up. God, I sound like some sort of "psycho-babble" machine, don't I?

Let's hope things continue to improve!

So today was my first foray into the office after more than two weeks off to clear my head, soul and anything else that needed fixing emotionally...

And it was very weird. There were people not in, for starters, which is inevitable, plus I had someone new sitting next to me, as there had been a bit of desk move while I was away. Add to that, other people announcing they were leaving and all in all, it almost felt like a different office to the one I'd left.

And how did I feel? Curiously detached from it all, if I'm honest. Yes, I did some work (even I'm not that slack), but the time away has given me some perspective and enabled me to ensure that I'm less troubled than before. It's up to me to pick and choose my battles, rather than taking everyone and everything on.

I also want to make sure I don't chase constant and meaningless validation. One of my big weaknesses, I guess, and inevitably, it goes hand in hand with massive fear of rejection.

I'm not going to delberately 'toughen up', to use a terrible phrase, beloved of the army and inept motivationists, but just become more aware of me and my self.

I was reading a feature in a magazine the other day, written by a doctor, and he quoted a relatively startling statistic - 1 in 4 people in the UK suffer from some sort of mental health problem

His point, other than highlighting how common depression, schizophrenia and all the other illnesses associated with mental health are, was that it still seems to be such a taboo subject.

If you hurt your leg, have a pain in your chest, or feel ill you turn to your doctor and get it sorted out. For some reason, anything that's wrong with your brain (which, let's not forget controls everything you do and say) is hushed up. Depression and the like, especially in men, is seen as a weakness.

My depression was first diagnosed for the first time around 3-4 years ago, after a particularly traumatic time in my life. When I look back now, I realise that actually I'd been suffering for years on and off and had never realised. That episode was medicated by prescribed drugs and I came out of it.

I have recently been suffering quite badly again, and this time it took a long time for me to realise. That's the worst bit - even if you know the signs and symptoms, you still can't always spot it, because you're so close. And then, when you do realise, you just hate yourself. You cant get out of it, and woe betide anyone who tells you to "pull yourself out of it". Yeah, right, like it's that easy...

I suppose for me, admitting to it is a big step, especially to those around me, beyond my immediate family. It doesn;t mean I'm better, but at least people then realise and know why I'm sometimes so anti-social, or worse, rude and horrible.

I just hope my blues start to turn orangey-yellow soon!