My, what a big lie you've told

We all grow up being told children's fairy stories. Jack and The Beanstalk, Cinderella, Tom Thumb and, of course, Little Red Riding Hood.

Ava was bought a book for her birthday, a touch-and-feel version of the aforementioned LRRH, and it was added to the monstrous pile of reading material she already seems to have amassed (how can a 13-month old be a bookworm already?)

Recently, she's started to want it read to her, so I diligently sat down with her on my knee and started to read it to her.

"Please take these cakes to Granny, said Little Red Riding Hood's mother. "But watch out for the big bad wolf in the forest."
"I'll be careful," said Little Red Riding Hood.

So far, so normal, right? Then we get the whole, "My, what big ears/eyes you have!" "All the better to hear/see you with" nonsense. It's the next page, where things started to stray off the beaten track, as it were.

Little Red Riding Hood gelt a tug at her skirt. It was Granny under the bed!
"That's the wolf," she whispered. "Quick! Hide under the bed."

What the f**k? What happened to "my, what big teeth". Why isn't Granny in the wardrobe? You think that'ss weird, wait for the next revelation...

Little Red Riding Hood crawled under the bed. The wolf didn't know where she'd gone.

You what? Hang on, this is an animal who was clever enough to jump into an old woman's clothes and her bed and pretend to be her, in order to eat anyone who strayed into the house. And he couldn't work out that Little Red Riding Hood ducked under the bed.

Little Red Riding Hood's father was nearby. He saw the wolf in Granny's bed. The wolf saw him too - and he was so frightened he ran right out of the door. He never came back.

Hang on, what about the woodcutter? Where's his axe and why doesn't he kill the wolf?

Now, I'm all for a modicum of political correctness - after all, racist and sexist jokes aren't really the most sensible gags - but sanitising fairy stories, so young children won't be traumatised?

Doh! Of course, it's the answer to all our problems. If we tell children growing up that there's no violence and malevolence in the world, then crime and war will vanish. Quick, someone tell the Daily Mail!